“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new” – Albert Einstein

So, it’s been a few days….

This is weirdly turning into some sort of diary for you lot to see, which a lot of you probably think is ridiculous. Unfortunately it’s the easiest way for me to understand stuff that happens and maybe even somebody else reading can relate, who knows?! But I’m going to keep doing it anyway haha!

Over the past couple of months I’ve started to be a little braver in life choices. I was lucky enough to be in a position to choose between jobs, I moved out, I have to make my own decisions at work now rather than spending 8 hours a day making tea, if I’ve had an argument with a friend, I confront it, if I fancy (#gross word) someone I bite the bullet and tell them…you never know! That last one is yet to go the right way but there’s still time people! There’s still time!

So why do I feel like when some of these thing don’t go well or the way I expected them to, do I feel the need to beat myself up over it? Regretting my decisions is my one major downfall. I’m what you’d call a worrier. I say things to people like ‘Oh I think I like you…let’s go for a drink!’ and ‘I’m just going to send this email to the team and say what I think about a couple of things!” and then initiate panic mode. This me after a situation like those –

Why? Why did I do that? I shouldn’t of done that? They hate me now! They won’t speak to me? Maybe I’ll just send another message to say sorry, then if they don’t reply I’m done. It’s over. Finished. SHIIIIIIIIT.

Every time I make a decision I automatically think the worst, I can’t be the only one right? It’s happened to me a lot over the past couple of days and then I saw this quote this evening – “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new” – Albert Einstein. Now, when they say Einstein was a genius, I really think they were right about that! It is SO true. These decisions may not necessarily be the right ones at the time but I’m trying new things, living life a little differently.

We are allowed to make mistakes.

Maybe we need to make more mistakes, learn from them, how do you know that something may actually not be a mistake? You could have something on your mind and say it to that person, make that thought into an action and if it goes wrong…WHO CARES! and if it goes right it could change everything!

I have to be honest, I’m no expert on life, I mean look at the stuff I blog about!

If anyone actually reads this, which I’m not sure I should probably mention where this all stemmed from. I’ve told a couple of people that, the first person, I’d started to develop feelings for and the second person, I wanted to get to know better and maybe see what happens and see if there was anything there. Both situations I regret to some extent because that thought process I mention above…think of that but like x1000!! I know right! Luckily the first one turned out okay, we’re still friends and I couldn’t of had a better response to me telling that person and it made that panic mode disappear. The second person, well let’s just say that is very much in the process of being resolved, I have had several major panic moments over it and I don’t know why because I actually hardly know the person but still even right now I’m panicking about what I have said.

But you know what, sometimes when you make these choices and these mistakes just remember it may not be you that’s taking it from being ballsy and confident to being a regretted decision. It could very much be the way the other person reacts. Their reaction is major factor in how the situation goes. It could be as new to them as it is to you.

Do it, take a chance! In the words of Tinie Tempah “Would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?”…Shit I should’ve named the post that.

“To live will be an awfully big adventure.” – Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie

I’ve been coming to London on and off since I was about 3 years old, mainly visiting the guards at Buckingham Palace with my Grandparents. My Grandad was one of the guards that you can’t make smile, you know the ones! I’ve been working here for just about 2 years to the day, and now I’ve lived here for nearly 3 months. Yet, I’ve never really appreciated it.

So as I’ve been having a little ‘staycation’ (basically, not going anywhere abroad, just having a week off) I thought today why not go and visit those places again and just appreciate what is right on my door step!

I started off at Waterloo, and I walked. I just walked everywhere (god my feet hurt!) First stop I went to my favourite place in London, St James’ Park. I used to sit with a picnic (this time a Tesco meal deal….come on! I’m on a budget) and feeding the famous pelicans there after watching changing of the guard during the summer holiday‘s. I bought myself a book and just sat and read for a couple of hours watching the world go by, it’s so quiet and relaxing. A strong recommendations for anyone that wants to get away from it all and just get their thoughts together.

I then headed up through horse guards parade, where I saw a little boy asking for a photo with two police officers, who kindly obliged, they got down to his level and one of them gave the little boy their hat. I couldn’t help but smile, that little boy is going to remember that for years to come. I then past Downing Street, which I realised is definitely not on the same scale as the White House. It really is just a door.

My route took me up past Big Ben and Westminster, dodging tourists left, right and centre! The Palace of Westminster truly is a beautiful building yet it baffles me that the people who work there and make laws for our country are complete morons. I don’t know an awful lot about politics but we all know their morons, right?

Now, I’m off work all this week (hence all the posts! Soz about that.) and somehow ended up on the Southbank. I work on the Southbank, I see it everyday of my life. Yet when I walked along there today, I notice things I hadn’t paid much attention to before. Performers. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Usually I think they’re just people who aren’t remotely talented just asking for money. Shallow of me? Maybe. Today, however, I stumbled across a guy maybe no older than 17 with only saucepans, a baking tray and some plastic flower pots sat in front of a crowd of maybe around 30. He was ridiculously talented, he looked nervous, but my god can he play the drums. Made me realise actually most of these people are talented and it’s not necessarily about getting money, the Southbank actually allows for a place for performers to do what they love, when they want and get the appreciation they deserve. Click here for a video of said performer! 

Just up from where this guy was, is the Southbank Skate Park (inserting embarrassing moment – I nearly took out an older women by walking into her because I was too busy staring at the hottie working at the SNOG! bus on the way. Please SNOG, don’t employ hot people for all of our safety!) . More often than not you see people selling t-shirts and asking you sign a petition to keep the park open. There’s always been a dodgy relationship between the buildings owners and the skaters themselves. Why? I’m not 100% sure but by the amount of people photographing them and watching them in awe of the sport. I grew up with friends who were massively into skating and I’m sure they would of dreamt of having somewhere like that and what I didn’t realise was that people have been skating there for over 40 years. I did a little research into the park as I wanted to know the importance of this venue for the people who use it, “Rollin’ Through the Decades” gets the point of view from many who have used it over the years. Watch here!

Next I thought, oh I know I’ll head to Borough Market, have a little look around, hoping for some free samples. I wish someone had told me it closed at 5. I mean, 5pm….what closes in London at 5pm!  I walked at that way without a whiff of a free sample. You’re probably wondering why I keep mentioning the free sample, as can be told from my Tesco meal deal….I’m on a budget people!! Wasted trip.

Now to finish up, I’m going to rewind a little. The title. Peter Pan is one of my all time favourite stories, not just the Disney film but the story itself. I never really wanted to grow up, like ever. Even when I was at university I didn’t feel like a grown up, flashback to dancing on the kitchen work surface to One Direction on several occasions. Anyway, “To live will be an awfully big adventure” was always one of my favourite quotes because living is a big adventure, go out and explore the town, the city, the world you think you know and see everyday and some things may surprise you.

“Some birds are not meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright” – Ellis Boyd Redding, The Shawshank Redemption

So I feel like yesterday I may have gone off on a bit of a tangent at the end. I mean who goes from discussing moving to London to talking about personal issues. So I thought I’d explain it a little bit better.

The title quote, for those of you that don’t know, is from The Shawshank Redemption. May seem a bit irrelevant to this post but somehow it weirdly works. Shawshank tells the story of a man imprisoned, despite his protest of innocence, who then builds a friendship with one of the longest serving prisoners. He becomes on of the most influential inmates and he finds ways to live out life with relative ease as one can in a prison, leaving a message for all that while the body may be locked away in a cell, the spirit can never be truly imprisoned.

Now obviously I can only talk about what I know and what I feel and there will be people who think differently and disagree. However, my post yesterday related to my feelings of insecurity and such. Something I didn’t think I would discuss quite so openly but somehow it made me feel slightly more at ease and a little less panicked.

As I said above, “while the body may be locked away in a cell, the spirit can never be truly imprisoned.”made me think an awful lot. I spent a lot of my life hiding behind my more popular friends, hiding my real emotions behind emotions I thought I should be feeling and being someone I definitely wasn’t. The reason that made me think was because my ‘spirit’ (not huge fan of that word, sounds like I should be cleansing an ora or something!) was maybe imprisoned by my own body. Over the last year that has changed, mostly for the better, however not still quite fully (i.e that non Bruce Jenner moment I mentioned yesterday) I still over emote situations. A friend said to me yesterday after reading my last post that I’m doing what is called ‘fictional reality’ I’m playing out real life situations in my head and thinking how I think they’re being played out when in actual fact it probably isn’t that way at all. A prime example of being imprisoned in one’s own body and mind.

Then I began to think about what I’m like when I’m not in this mindset, I become the polar opposite. I over use my emotions and blurt everything out. Literally, EVERYTHING. It not only drives me insane, but everyone else around me. I’m looking at the couple of people I was texting when I thought my life was over and I was having a slight nervous breakdown. Obviously I wasn’t. I was being ridiculous haha. Then I came across this article on good old Buzzfeed – 16 Graphs That Will Help You Understand Your Highly Sensitive Friends So Much Better. THAT’S IT! I what is known as a HSP. A Highly Sensitive Person. It, in a Buzzfeed way, explains what it’s like to be a HSP and describes the difference between what people think a highly sensitive person is and what they actually are. The title suggests it’s for people who have friends like this, which it is but it also made me understand maybe what it was going on ‘upstairs’. Who’d of thought I would’ve worked out some of what was going on with a bloody Buzzfeed article.

I’ve linked the article below, have a little read, you might learn something about your friends or maybe even yourself.

After all “some birds are not meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright” Help a friend out, understand them, don’t let them cage themselves up inside their own head, they may just surprise you when they let go.

16 Graphs That Will Help You Understand Your Highly Sensitive Friend So Much Better

Here we go again….

Sitting here in my flat in the (as most London folk say to make it seem better) up and coming Peckham Rye, the sun’s out, I have deep house playing and I have an entire week off work. Why not start up this blogging thing again. I mean it seems the best way for me to vent everything, good or bad, without clogging up everyone else’s timeline, which I do a lot!

So what’s happened over the past few months?

I moved to London. FINALLY! It’s something I have wanted to do since I graduated and eventually London has become my home. I’ve been working here for almost 2 years, the majority of my friends all live and or work here and life just seems so much easier. I moved to Peckham Rye about 2 months ago which may not sound like the nicest of places but when I’m sitting on my sofa and can see the Shard, St Pauls, Westmister, the BT Tower and the big giant penis…I mean Gherkin, what more could you ask for! Living here I get to hang out with my friends a hell of a lot more, venture out on my own and explore and not rush to be home in time for dinner. I think that’s being called independent! And boy do I love being independent!

Having said that being independent makes you realise an awful lot about yourself, the good and the bad and relationships with friends and co-workers become a little more honest and truthful. Life is too short to not express how you really feel in some situations, not all situations mind. I mean there’s not much point telling someone you hate them., what good would that do!

A lot has happened over the past few months allowing me to be a lot more open about who I am with both friends and family. I thought to myself, this is great I can be honest and open with anyone, everything will just go swimmingly. Wrong. It’s been a huge relief don’t get me wrong but I’ve come to realise I’m still, very much, in a transition period (by that I mean I’m not doing a Bruce Jenner FYI). I’m still very insecure around new people, be it friends, colleagues or love interests and have incessant need for people to like me. But why? That’s a question I’m still asking myself. I’m always the first to talk to someone, the chaser not the chasee. When what I really need to do is be completely myself and allow people to get to know me for me and for me not to pressurise a friendship or conquest (I hate that word, but couldn’t think of anything else haha!) If they like me great, if they don’t it’s also fine.

Obviously it’s easier said than done and it’s something I really need to work on and slowly but surely I am, even writing this has made me realise the faults I have and the affect it has on my relationship with others. If I’ve ever spoken to you and you’re new in my life and I’ve been too much, I’m sorry. I can only apologise and I will strive to be less emotionally attached too quickly to people.

I have a great group of friends around me, a great job and a great new life in London and I can’t complain too much this is just a little something I needed to be honest with my self about.

If you’re still reading this far, thank you and I promise the rest of posts on this blog won’t be as depressing!! I’m actually quite a happy person! 🙂

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